September 29, 2011

Vile Bean

I wouldn't dare blame my mom for anything that's gone awry in my life – except my deep-seeded distaste for coffee.

My noob travels on Twitter this week informed me today is National Coffee Day. As a bespectacled, black-long-sleeved-shirt-wearing graphic designer, I should be elated. In fact, I should have known this weeks in advance. I should have sensed it, anticipated its arrival like a caffeinated Christmas. But no. I hate the stuff. I make no apologies. And it's all because of my mom.

When I was a tot I loved going places – as tots tend to do. Always wanted to be going. But like the ball-and-chain on an old-timey criminal, so to was my mom's slurgle of coffee.

Can we go now? Not until I have my slurgle of coffee.

Can we open our presents yet? Wait until I finish this slurgle of coffee.

It was excrutiating. First I'd wait all summer for it to get cool enough to go hiking in the Whiteshell on Saturdays. Then I'd wait for the Saturdays to come. Then I'd wait out the drive at the crack of dawn to get to the trailhead. Then all I'd want to do was find a piece of deadfall wood that looked like a Star Destroyer so I could run full-tilt down the path with the wood in front of me as it got pelted by X-wing fighter fire. And then bam! The slurgle strikes back.

Fast-forward to present day and I guess I'm still not over it. Mornings at my job with a cup of water, I head-scratch at the masses who. Can't. Work/Think/Talk/Blink. Until. They. Have. Their. Coffee. I visit coffee shops to meet about freelance and enjoy a delectable hot chocolate. Roll my eyes and gnash teeth at the stream of mindless Tim Hortons zombies in cars piled into the diamond lane. The coffee-lovers. The slurglers. They're everywhere. At work. On the streets. In my house. But they'll never get me.

Happy National Coffee Day? Humbug.


Melissa said...

I mainly drink coffee for the comforting warmth. My office is frigid, so instead of shivering at my keyboard, I clutch a steaming mug of Starbuckian goodness.

Mary said...

My parents did the SAME THING! It's like "Can you not open presents on Christmas morning and drink coffee at the same time?" What's up with that? I'm not a huge coffee drinker either. I rarely drank it until I gave up soda and after that, I probably have one cup in the morning 5 outta 7 days of the week. I put splenda and creamer in it though...I like the coffee blond and I don't like Starbucks at all! That stuff is like drinking TAR. Yuck! I am a true southern girl and my favorite beverage would be ice-cold sweet tea. But, I go for the Splenda-sweetened tea nowadays...

Jeope said...

If you ever come to Canada, you'll see too how Tim Hortons has this country by the balls.

Cheryl Nickel said...

"Tell St Peter at the golden gate
That you hates to make him wait
But you just gotta..."
finish your slurgle of coffee