The Big Two-Five

I've reached the big two-five.

Not in age, I did that in the fall of the fantastic year 2000. No, I mean the rad fad all the kids are talkin' about on The Facebook. Writing 25 interesting things about one's self takes time, if you want to do it up right (say, like my friend Al). This I pecked at over days. You're supposed to then tag people... aw hell, you know the deal. But I don't tag; everyone who's done this has done this...

1. You'd think that as a kid I was a magnet for abuse with a name like mine, but surprisingly not. The worst I can think of was a customer on my paper route who asked if my parents were potheads when they named me. And I thought at the time, man, that's actually pretty funny.

2. Over the course of my life, my fantasy career has been as follows: park ranger, guy who built Lego Village at Eaton's every Christmas, astronaut, ornithologist, cartographer, sportswriter, graphic designer for National Geographic, park ranger.

3. When I was 10 I saw Labyrinth and became a huge fan of David Bowie. Not too long afterward, I learned he was also a singer.

4. I first (successfully) rode a bike when I was 11. I learned to drive a car when I was 30. Ironically, one of my favourite pastimes is, and has always been, the road trip.

5. In junior high, my friends had posters of Alyssa Milano in their lockers. I had one of Michelle Pfeiffer. Later I developed a crush on Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years.

6. I miss the grunge era, for music and fashion. But not for design. David Carson can kiss my ass.

7. A few years back, friends and I pulled a whirlwind trip to Mardi Gras. While there I saw five boobs.

8. A couple of weeks ago I killed a cactus. Who does that?

9. I'm a bird nerd. And a design nerd. As such, my favourite species share one common trait: an aesthetically-pleasing colour scheme – including my favourite colour, a cinnamon-esque dried-blood red: ruddy duck, ruddy turnstone, northern saw-whet owl, red-breasted nuthatch, American avocet.

10. I run a very tight wardrobe, and hang on to clothes like grim death.

11. I won't spill details as to how, but I can intentionally sneeze. For the endorphins alone it is worth it.

12. My favourite song is "Sexy Sadie", and has been so for years.

13. I have the neatest handwriting in the world. Deal with it. Second neatest in the world is my mom's.

14. I can navigate circles around you. This is because I read maps like books. If I'm riding shotgun, you will not get lost – unless it's yer own damned fault.

15. I do not pull this out of my hat often, but I can belch astoundingly loud and fantastically long. On command.

16. There's a piece of glass I can jiggle around underneath the skin of one of my knuckles, the result of a clutz moment with a tumbler of orange juice a few years ago.

17. I will drink water straight out of Lake Superior, but none of the other Great Lakes.

18. Death Row foodstuff? My mom's baking powder biscuits, newly warm. Possibly with honey, possibly with a bowl of chili – I'm not sure – but I would hope the folks on Death Row would be understanding of my indecision. Mebbe also a roasted duck. Then a brownie, with walnuts baked in and bits of Mars bars in icing almost at a 1:1 ratio with actual brownie.

19. I have not seen a speck of either the Godfather or Fast And The Furious trilogies.

20. Touching a perfectly smooth, dry stone will produce the same effect in me as fingernails on a chalkboard does for others. To touch one I have to first lick my fingers. Funny enough, the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard does not bother me too much, but touching a chalkboard with my fingers will.

21. My top score in Wii bowling is 279. I have never come close to that mark again. There's a small chance I might have dreamed it.

22. I am afraid of mould, and some mushrooms (depending on how icky they look). As a kid I was afraid of fiddlehead ferns (pteridophobia, I'm over it now).

23. I am also often subconsciously – and sometimes-not-so-subconsciously – afraid of screwing up. You wouldn't believe how much that tends to get in the way of things.

24. There are two books out there, in the world, dedicated to me.

25. I first kissed a girl when I was 12. I last kissed a girl a few minutes ago.